Monday, May 3, 2010

I Will Carry You

If you remember this post I did awhile back. I had a video on there of a couple who lost their baby girl only 2 months before I had Aven. I have followed her blog since then and just this past Saturday the book she has been working on hit the shelves. Of course I had to rush out and grab it so I could read it. I absolutely love her blog and her writing style. (Please excuse mine. After all I did go to Chino High...what do you expect?) I will be honest with you. It's probably the first book I've read front to back since I read Green Eggs & Ham when I was a little girl. haha I am so not a reader.

As soon as I got home I read the book until my eyes were burning and I couldn't keep them open any longer. The next day I picked it up and went outside to enjoy the beautiful day and finished the WHOLE thing. This really hit home for me. Ever since I found out about Berlyn's condition a part of me has changed. I view life alot different than I did before. Not that I thought I was so invincible and nothing would happen to me or my family. But, sometimes you tend to go about your life thinking stuff like this doesn't happen to your family. Life seems so perfect and everything is going so well and then BAAAAM (I know this isn't a word) it's like a rug has been pulled from underneath you. Guess my life isn't going to be the way that I had planned. I even had a conversation with my brother about 3 days prior to me finding out about Berlyn and how we have been so fortunate with all the kids we have in our family and we really haven't had anything major happen. Little did I know those words would come back to haunt me on March 30th.

For me I have learned that doing what is right isn't always the "popular" thing. These past few months I have decided that I want to start going back to church and raise my kids up to know what is most important in life. It seems like every since I made that commitment my whole life kinda turned upside down. Yes, I know from the outside or from alot of Mom's blogs people seem to put up this front that life is so great and that they have it all together when the truth is everyone has their struggles. Whether it be with your job, kids, finances, husband, etc. I think living like that does no one any good including yourself. I am not saying that my life is horrible by any means but lately everything for me is being tested. My relationship with my husband, health of my child, my patientce with learning how to adjust to two little ones and not feeling guilty about not spending enough time with each one, trying to juggle and keep up on my job, making sure my husband gets the attention he deserves. Sometimes I think am I the only one who has these issues? Is it just me or does everyone else seem to have it all together? I want you to know that we don't.

One thing I have learned from reading this book and everything that I have been going through the past few months is that you either believe and trust that he is in control or you don't. When you are hit with certain things in your life what do you have to cling to except trusting that he has a plan and a purpose for your life. At the time you maybe thinking why if he says who he says he is he can't fix my child or get me that job or fix this mess with my husband or family? I can't fully answer those questions but I do know that he does have a purpose. I used to think before that I was doing good trusting and having faith when my life was going so good. Then when you are hit with something that really turns your world upside down it's not so easy to be that same person you thought you were. I think the reason things happen in our life is to bring us closer to him and be able to be an example to others and be able to relate to people who are also hurting.

I have no other explanation as to why the day of my daughters surgery everything was so peaceful and she not once cried or even made a peep even for not eating for 6 hours straight.(what newborn does that?) I know for a fact that it was all the people praying for my daughter and know that he was there with us.

It's so strange that yesterday as I was reading this book in my backyard. As she talked about the day her daughter died April 7th, 2008 and how she was so amazed how peaceful that day went. How her daughter went ''home'' to be with Jesus I thought that day looked awfully familiar. It was the day that we got to bring Berlyn "home" with us after her surgery. For some reason that really hit me.

I would suggest anyone who is a Mother, was a Mother who has lost a child. Or you know someone who has lost a child or even going through other issues. This book is one you don't want to pass up. Really makes you view life a little different and realize how fragile it is.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers,

whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing

of your faith develops perseverance.

Perseverance must finish its work so that

you may be mature and complete,

not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4


Kat said...

Completely agree how it always looks like the grass is greener on the other neighbors fence so to speak. And I know too well the past couple years how rough things can get, between job layoffs, marriage stress, miscarriages, pregnancy, growing family etc, I always believe that yes things are going to turn around and we'll get through whatever current struggle we're in. And while my marriage has been in the lowest pits of lows, it has made us stronger as a couple and individuals.

Anyways - I've given up trying to have it all and appreciate the wonderful things we are blessed with daily, even in those dark times.

debbie said...

Very well spoken, my daughter. It is true that we will all be tested, The scriptures are full of the lives of those who have gone before us and have fought the good fight and have entered into their reward. I know that the Lord will one day make all things right. I too choose to believe that He is everything He claims to be and He is more than able to deliver us out of all our troubles. His word says so. Time for us who claim to be His children, take Him at His word.

Bridget said...

Your writing is perfect! Love your heart and am so proud of you! stop making me cry!

Heather said...

I have been waiting for this book to come out!! I'm so excited to read it!

I think that we all want that "perfect" life and try to make it seem like that, but there is no such thing. We all have struggles and hard times...whether it be little daily things or something much bigger. You are not alone! I often find myself taking myself away from the "world" because I am scared of what might happen and failure. But as I shelter myself at home, I feel like I am a failure at being the best wife and mom I could be. Life isn't easy and it seems to only get harder as we get older! But, if we give everything to Him he will guide us through our days. And if we didn't have hard & bad times, we wouldn't appreciate the good times!

Megs said...

Brianna I am so blessed by your post and your decision to walk with the Lord and raise your children in the Lord. I will be praying for you. As you said that since you've made that commitment, your life seems to be going through various trials. Those trials are there to strengthen us and draw us closer to Jesus because He wants us to be fully dependent on Him, but there is also our enemy out there who doesn't want you to draw close to Jesus and he will do everything he can to keep you from Him. So don't lose heart and keep drawing close to the Lord and He will draw close to you! I will have to check that book out...thanks:)

~1/2 a dozen~ said...

Thanks for posting this. I want you and everyone else to know that I too so DON'T have it all together. But pretending like I do gets me through it sometimes, haha. JK. I know what you mean though, lately I have also been wanting to get my children more involved in the church and to develop a closer relationship with our Saviour. Hope Berlyn is doing well!

Ashlynn said...

I love your heart!! You are so right! It is so evident that God used Berlyn's heart to bring you closer to His. Blogs, Facebook and Myspace all represent what we want people to see. But I do think it is important for us to share that we are all far from perfect and our marriages aren't perfect and neither are our kids. We can use this to encourage and build up one another and share how God is working in our lives.

I will pray that the Lord continues to work in your life and blesses you and your family!!

I can't wait to read this book!

Susannah said...

Brianna, I agree 100% with you! I have been going through the same things recently. And it's really hard-relationship with husband, taking care of baby, working, and everyday life. I am so overwhelmed right now-I just keep praying that things will get better/calmer/less stressful, and today I already feel like they are! I am thinking of you!

Here to Serve Him... said...

I found your blog some time ago through Bridget's. I read about your precious Berlyn and placed her before Jesus the day of her surgery. I stand amazed at our mighty our God is and the awesome way He works in our lives. Many times those "trials" are what draws us all the closer to His heart...not always comfortable or easy, but as His Word says, ALWAYS for our good and ALWAYS for His glory! I will be praying for you as you continue on this journey.