Do you think....

I look like my brother?

Mommy sure does!

Fun at the Park

Aven has a personality alot like his Mommy. We ALWAYS have to be doing something. If we get stuck in the house too long we aren't happy.

Yesterday he was in one of those moods and wouldn't stop whining. So I decided to walk them both over to the park and give us all a little break and some fresh air.

It's amazing how in 5 minutes you can go from this....

To this.

Everytime he'd come down the slide and climb back up he wanted to make sure I was there still watching him. He'd come up to the top and yell at the top of his lungs...."HI, MOM!"

Hi, Mom! See my hand?

Are you still there??

Took a little break in between slides.

Him and his "puppy" were back at it again.

Puppy even got a spin on the toys.

All the while precious Berlyn sat in her seat enjoying the nice sunny breeze.

GOING PRIVATE!

I'm sad to say that I will be going private on my blog now. Someone decided to take pictures from both mine and my sisters blog and use them on her facebook and claim they were her kids and even by giving them different names. It's really sad that you have to be forced to even do something like this. I really do feel sorry for the girl.

I will be going private on Friday so if you wish to be added to my blog you can put a comment here with your email or you can email me to brigrl08@yahoo.com

Berlyn's Surgery

April 6th is a day that I wont soon forget. I had a full week to prepare and research all about the surgery that was about to be performed on my little girl. I know to some that may seem like enough time but to me it wasn't. It came so fast and it really didn't all hit me till that morning when I woke up. I kept questioning myself thinking am I doing the right thing? Should I have got another opinion? I'm sure this is all normal questions for people going through this stuff but to me this was anything but.

I know it may seem strange but I kept thinking what if this is my last morning with her? What if she has a bad reaction to the anesthesia and doesn't make it out of surgery?? Have I given her the best life so far? Have I taken enough pictures of her?? I know it wasn't considered a MAJOR surgery but it was to me.

I made my sister come over early and take a few pictures of us before we left.

I was so nervous on how I was going to be able to go a full 6 hours without feeding her anything. Right now she eats at least every 2-3 hours. Right before we left I gave her a good feeding and put her in her car seat and she immediately spit up all over. OH GREAT! Now she's really gonna be hungry!

We had a quite ride to the hospital. I think we both had alot on our mind. We went to get a bite to eat cause I knew that it would be a long day of waiting and not wanting to eat. Of course I could only eat a few bites of my food cause I was so nervous.

My Mom and Grandma met us at the hospital for support. I'm so glad theywere there with me. It really helped the time go by alot faster while we waited the long 4 1/2 hours.

They took us to our own room where they gave me the worlds smallest hospital gown for Berlyn. I never knew they made them so small. I really wish that there would be no need to make those things but sadly there is. :(

The whole morning Berlyn had such a peace about her. I put her in the Moby Wrap (which I might add is the best invention ever made! Thank you Krystyn for making me get this.) She slept in that thing the WHOLE time. I had to finally wake her up to put her IV in.

Sleeping away in the Moby

Getting ready for the IV. She didn't even cry for this. I was so nervous they wouldn't find a vein or that she would be screaming. She was such a trooper.

We got to spend about another hour and a half with her before they took us back. Daddy just stood by her the whole time loving on her.

Even for this whole time she was so calm and peaceful. She was more alert this day than she has ever been. She was looking up at the lights and wondering where she was.

They finally escorted us out of the room and had us walk with her to the operating room. We came around the corner to the room they were going to do the procedure in and I think that's when it all hit me. Looking into that room with all the nurses and doctors and big tv's and equipment. It seemed like something I saw on an episode of the Jetsons when I was little. I couldn't believe that this was really happening.

I think this picture says so much. I look at this and think how scared and terrified I was.

(I would never be able to be a nurse. That hat is so not attractive)

I think she had the same thoughts.

We got to go into the room and lay her on the warm table. All the girl nurses came over and were in love with her. All I remember is them telling me that she will go to sleep super fast and not to be scared that it is normal. Next thing I know she was asleep and we were asked to leave. I was so strong until this time. I started to cry. It felt so strange to leave my baby with people I have never met. Knowing that they would be working on her tiny heart.

We were told the surgery would be about 2 hours and they would come get us and we would be able to go see her in the recovery area. I think that 2 hours might have been the longest two hours of my life. I tried to do anything to keep my mind off what might be going on in that operating room.

As soon as it hit two hours we all were starting to get anxious. My Mom would get up and walk down the hall by the room and make sure she was still in there. My grandma stood by the door waiting for any sign or movement. She even sat at the closest seat to the door to make sure we didn't miss anything :)

Finally the doctor came in and let us know that the surgery was over and that she is doing fine. He told us that once they got into her heart they said that the valve was worse off than they originally thought, but that they were able to do what they needed to do without any leakage (which is really good). Finally we were asked to go down by the room and she would be out in a few minutes.

She was wisked out of the room pretty fast and onto the recovery area. Only one parent was allowed to go in with her. I went in and got to spend some moments with her while she was waking up. I don't think I will ever be able to forget those moments with her. She was so out of it and had the softest little cry. The sounds of that room still give me the chills when I think about it.

After about an hour in that room they moved us to the NICU upstairs and Johnny finally got to be with her too. This was all such a relief to me that this all was behind us for now and that our little girl was here and doing well.

That night I couldn't sleep at ALL. I sat and starred at that cold metal crib making sure that she was ok and breathing. She would move a certain way and the heart monitor would go off. I would jump out of the bed and rush over and make sure everything was ok.

I had alot of time to think since I was there alone. It hit me that although Berlyn had to have this procedure done she was still ok. We would be picking up and going home the next day. So many sick kids on the same floor wont be so lucky. They may never be able to see the outside of this hospital again. I kept thinking that how one night staying at this hospital seemed like such a long time and there are parents that have been here for weeks even months away from their other children at home.

God had answered all of my prayers and kept my little girl safe. I know for a fact that this day wouldn't have gone as smooth as it did without all the people out there that love her and were praying for our little girl. Many people were praying for her hadn't even met her or even seen her but were praying. It meant so much to know that.

And unlike so many people in this hospital we got to leave.
I got to watch my husband and my son come and pick us up. What a beautiful sight it was to see this.

Letter to my baby girl!

Nothing could have ever prepared me for the overwhelming love I have for my children. When I first cuddled my beautiful, soft, warm, sweet smelling girl in my arms, I knew I had fallen in love for the rest of my life. I was so worried when I first found out I was pregnant if I would be able to love another little human the way I loved your brother. I loved you even before you came into this world. The second you were born my heart was filled with even more love. You were perfect! I knew that, forevermore, I would again know fear, I would know worrying, and knowing I wanted to protect you with my life.

After getting the news last week that you had a problem with your heart I was devastated. How could this be? Being your Mom thoughts ran through my mind of every question. Will she still be able to live a long meaningful life and be able to do all the fun things little girls do? Will she look like me? Will she want to do ballet? Will she have my personality and like to play jokes on people? Will she grow up and get married and have a family of her own? Then I thought these are not questions that I will ever be able to answer. All I know is that you will live the life that God has called you to.

Tonight as I prepare to hand you over to doctors that I don't even know I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I know you were special from the time you were born. I never would have imagined that only 7 weeks after you were born we would be going through all this with you. I don't have the answers as to why this is happening but I know you will get through all this. You are such a strong girl and I would take your place if I could.

My precious Berlyn, I delight in the joy of your simple existence.

Love,

Your Mom

Why my house will never be perfect with children..

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Prayer for Berlyn

Little did I know that only 5 months after writing this post that everything I wrote in that post would be tested.

Last weekend I took Berlyn for an small eye infection, when the doctor was checking her he asked me how her heart was. Why would he be asking me about her heart if I was here for her eye? He told me that it sounded abnormal and we would need to do some further testing. He sent her over for an xray right away and told me I should follow up with a specialist for an EKG. I was completely shocked and forgot all about the real reason I even went in. My sister went through this same thing with her daughter and I was pretty sure that this would be another case and they would tell me it would be something she would grow out of.

I called today to make the appointment just to rule out anything being wrong. I didn't expect them to tell me I should drive down today to bring her in and get checked out. I immediately called my Grandma to go with me knowing that if something bad were to happen I wanted someone there with me and to be able to have two ears.

The doctor came in who was super nice. He began listening to her heart and took awhile doing so. Seemed like the few minutes he was listening was lasting a lifetime. I was trying to read his expressions to see if this was going to be good or bad news. He said that he found an abnormality and wanted to go in the other room to take a better look. I just knew from that moment things weren't going to be good. I immediately wanted to stop right there and just cry but I bit my lip and went in.

After looking at her heart for about a half hour he told me that she has a condition called Aortic Stenosis and she has to go in on Tuesday for a procedure on her valve to try and enlarge it. Pretty much everything he said after that I was in a daze and tried to take as much information in as I could and not breakdown. I just looked at the doctor thinking HOW?! How could this be happening to my child who is sitting here asleep next to me looking so peaceful? As soon as he shut the door I broke down and cried. My Grandma tried to be strong for me but we both just sat and looked at her and cried.

I know things could be way worse. My baby is alive and breathing and before today I had no clue that anything was wrong with her. Before today I knew not one thing about a heart besides that it pumped blood. I had no idea when I woke up this morning I would have had a lesson in cardiology and be searching online what Aortic Stenosis was. It goes to show how your life can change in the matter of minutes.

As I am writing this she is laying in my lap fast asleep. On the outside she is so perfect yet that little heart inside her is struggling. As much as I want to be angry and question why this is happening to my baby and my family I can only trust that God is in control.

I know from the minute I found out I was pregnant with her that God had big plans for her life and I know that to still be true.

Please pray for her that everything will go well and that I will have the strength to get through this week and that day. I know she is in the best care that she can be and I know that above all she is in Gods hands.

”Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight”
Proverbs 3:5-6